Special Days and Holidays during Divorce or Separation

Special Days and Holidays during divorce or separation can be quite frustrating. What days the court may deem a holiday or special day many times does not reflect your opinion of important days.

Example

• Many courts split Christmas in half with one parent getting the children from the start of the public-school holiday and exchange the children with the other spouse at noon on Christmas day for the other parent to keep the children till the end of the public-school holiday. Some courts include the weekend, and some do not.
• Thanksgiving is done basically the same way, just a shorter time frame.
• Some do not recognize MLK day, Memorial Day, Labor Day or Easter.
• I have not found ANY court that recognizes Native American Celebrations.
• Most Catholic, Jewish or Protestant holidays are ignored by the courts.
• Some courts require the parents to split the child’s birthday and each parent’s birthday which is quite cumbersome when parents work, kids go to school and you have multiple children. You basically are forced to split 3-5 hours, somehow.
• Any other court recognized holiday is swapped back and forth from year to year.

I am not showing you this to demean the courts, but the courts have limited time and resources to decide what days are important to you. You’re the parents not the court; so, don’t make them decide.

Mediation was Designed for You

Mediation was designed with you in mind. This was no accident, when the Honorable Chief Justice Burger of the US Supreme Court saw the severe fracturing of society over disputes, he started mandating the legal community to find more peaceful means to resolve disputes. Every state now has mediation and arbitration as part of their cited dispute resolution process. Many jurisdictions require this more peaceful dispute resolution process pre-trial.

This is further supported by the American Bar Associations 2011 Resolution 108; making a clear directive to courts, government, lawyers, political parties and others to support and use more peaceful means to resolve disputes.

You set Your Own Special / Holidays

The entire purpose in mediation is to allow the parties to remain in control. Setting your own days is a simple process where the parties negotiate between themselves with a trained neutral party. This agreement is put into a formal agreement. You decide:

• what day is special or a holiday (date or date range)
• when to pick up the children (day / time)
• when to bring them back (day / time)
• where they can go (if long distance or out-of-state)
• who they can or cannot be around (such as adult parties with drinking)
• any other concerns

With this agreement, you now know when you will get to have the children, and this is normally upheld by the courts as a contract. The courts want you to take care of your family and not force the court into making these decisions.

What do People Say

Over the many years of mediating divorce and separation matters, I have found that 98% of people GREATLY prefer making their own co-parenting agreements. Remember that the special / holiday schedule is part of a co-parenting agreement. But can stand on its own, if you desire.

When couples make their own decisions, as to when they have the children, how long, etc. there is a unity that is made which benefits the entire family. Children feel less loss and rejection, mothers feel more relief and less worry, fathers feel wanted and respected. This is important, whether you are trying to reconcile or divorce.

Is Observing Heritage days or Religious days Important

I will quote many psychologists: YES. Everyone needs to know where they came from and who they are. The best teacher of this is you!! As an adult, you would hold these days important for some reason. Family is important to a child and they need this community to teach them and raise them. Whether you are religious or not, the child has burning questions about self that they may never ask. Your time with them on these days is important to answer and even reassure the child as to who they are. Even if you’re unsure.

The same goes for your spouse. I don’t know what classes you had in school, but you should have taken a science class on DNA. It took two of you to make this child and therefore your heritage and your spouse’s heritage are now combined parts of your child’s heritage. They need to know who they are as each parent is only half the answer.